In a surprise addition to the received wisdom of the church, Cardinal Friedrichstein of the Vatican’s Eschatology Commission, has declared that salvation may rest on our knowledge of Latin.
‘Everyone knows it’s the language of the church and therefore the language of heaven,’ said the charismatic Cardinal. ‘It only makes sense that you have to speak the language to get in there.’
When questioned about whether this was anything to do with his well-known harsh view on immigration, Cardinal Friedrichstein repeatedly slammed his palm on the table and shouted ‘Nein, nein, nein.’
‘Private revelation has revealed we will need to conjugate at least three verbs and recite the Credo in the Church’s mother tongue. We will be shown pictures of a boy sitting under a tree and have to choose the correct door which each have the phrase in Latin, only one being correct. Two doors lead to the inferno and one to heaven.’
When asked about the biblical account of the last judgement as recounted by St Matthew the Gospel-writer, Cardinal Friedrichstein dismissed the account. ‘Yes, yes, but that was Matthew, he was a liberal and always hated Latin.’