Vatican officials have confirmed that a host of new practices are to be incorporated into the Holy Mass. This follows a tradition of centuries which has seen various practicalities and practices, such as priestly hand washing, incorporated ritualistically into Mass. ‘The hand-washing thing used to be about cleaning hands after the offertory, but now it’s a prayer that’s officially part of the Mass,’ said liturgical expert, Fr Eugene Spencer.
According to one Vatican source, the latest raft of traditional practices include:
Tapping the microphone three times and saying ’Is this working?’ Which is said to reflect the breakdown in communication between God and man which occurred in the Fall.
One third of the congregation leaving Mass after Communion to represent the third of the stars swept from the sky in the book of revelation, which in turn represents the fall of Satan’s angels.
Parents taking it in turns to angrily whisper ’Shhh’ at their children (to be known as the Exasperatum) to symbolise the love of the First Person of the Blessed Trinity toward his first-born son.
According to the leak, high-ranking Vatican officials are at loggerheads about what mobile phone-interruptions should signify but the weight of opinion is for something linked to the Parable of the Sower.
The full list is yet to be published. It was allegedly compiled after a clerical survey for ideas then a text-in vote. ’It was like X-Factor’ said Fr Eugene, ’but even more exciting and intellectually stimulating!’