An anonymous Cardinal has alleged that the Pope uses high ranking Church officials during games of life-size chess against other religious leaders.
’When he first told me I was going to be his queen I truly mystified and more than a little curious but when it became clear what he meant I was shocked.’ The Cardinal explained, ’The whole thing is weird. When you take someone else’s piece you have to knock their hats off and throw it from the board. We all have them so it works, but it feels so humiliating.
’We had the Dalai Lama last week and that was easy, he didn’t even try to win. The Arch-Bishop of Canterbury is so competitive – you wouldn’t believe it. He went up and punched one of our Papal Knights for taking his castle – which was a bit pot-and-kettle when you think about all the churches they half-inched from us over the years.
’We’ve got the Russian Orthodox next week. They cheat like nobody’s business. Last time we played them half our team was taken out by a sudden bout of botulism the night before. I don’t care how tasty it is, I’m never touching vodka ever again.
‘Originally the Methodists wanted to play draughts and the Evangelical Alliance wanted Texas Hold ’Em poker but we couldn’t figure out how that would work.’
The Vatican has refused to make a statement on the matter but the Cardinal reported at he had been warned to stay silent. ’I was told that “Queens can become pawns at the drop of a hat.” He would make no further comment on the matter.