An anonymous source has revealed that Pope Francis is ‘sick to death of being the only one who takes care of the recycling at the Vatican.’
A secret recording at a house meeting shows the Pope berating the gathered Cardinals.
‘You just don’t bother.’ The livid Pontiff is heard shouting. ‘You just throw it in the bin and I have to fish it out. Or you just leave it in the sink and the whole place ends up stinking of beans and beer!
‘If I have to wash any more of your cans of Fosters, Cardinal Schmeichel, I’ll kick you in the teeth.
‘And I will find out who it is putting his cigarette butts in those bottles of Stella Artois and leaving them outside my bedroom door. My door mat smells worse than a bout of norovirus. I swear if whoever it is keeps doing it I’ll make him a student chaplain.’
‘I left plenty of notes on the fridge. What else can I do? If things don’t change I’ll have to whack a partial indulgence onto washing up. I bet you’ll listen then.’
When asked for comments, Cardinal Schmeichel said ‘His notes read like encyclicals. None of us read them either. It’s all a bit of a gag really. He’s got no sense of humour, that man.’
When asked for a comment from the Holy Father, his secretary informed us that he was busy separating plastics from glass out back and wasn’t in the mood to make a statement.